The Adulthood Proposal | THE RULER ARCHIVE 004

OFFICIAL SYSTEM REPORT

Classification: Administrative Investigation

Subject: Mandatory Adult Behavior

Status: REJECTED

Authority: The Ruler

THE INCIDENT

At approximately an hour that has since been deemed irrelevant, an anonymous suggestion arrived at The Ruler’s office.

The suggestion contained only nine words:

“Perhaps we should all start acting like adults.”

The Ruler read the proposal.

Then read it again.

She briefly considered having the suggestion box permanently sealed.

Unfortunately, previous attempts to improve the suggestion box had already resulted in unauthorized administrative changes, several complaints, and an interpretive dance proposal.

The Ruler placed the document on her desk and stared at it for eleven uninterrupted seconds.

There were several problems with the suggestion.

First, it assumed that adulthood was a desirable outcome.

Second, it implied that adulthood was achievable.

And third, it suggested that the individuals currently operating within the Kimboverse possessed the necessary qualifications.

This last assumption was particularly troubling.

A formal investigation was authorized.

PHASE ONE: PERSONNEL EVALUATION

The Ruler began by reviewing the available candidates.

Candidate One: The Supreme Minister of Emergency Cookies

This individual had recently established a government position for herself using a folding chair and a biscuit tin.

Her primary qualifications included snack distribution, unauthorized elections, and the belief that cookies constituted an essential public service.

When asked to define responsible adulthood, she reportedly requested a snack break.

The interview was terminated.

Candidate Two: The Administrative Enthusiast

This individual had previously demonstrated initiative by making improvements nobody requested.

Her contributions included a compromised suggestion box, questionable policy recommendations, and a thermostat notice reading GOOD LUCK.

She was enthusiastic about the adulthood proposal.

This immediately disqualified her from supervising it.

Candidate Three: The Unrequested Performer

This individual had mistaken an administrative notice for an invitation to audition as an official spokesperson.

Her response involved costume changes, unauthorized promotional materials, and a proposed glitter budget.

When asked whether she could behave like an adult, she requested better lighting.

No further questions were necessary.

Candidate Four: The Thermostat Historian

This individual had transformed a routine temperature dispute into an elaborate account of celestial interference and ancient injustice.

She maintained that the thermostat situation was considerably more complicated than anyone understood.

The Ruler agreed that it was complicated.

She did not agree that it required mythology.

Candidate Five: The Furniture Investigator

This individual remained deeply concerned about the legal and administrative status of an upholstered chair.

The investigation had produced multiple reports, several accusations, and no meaningful resolution.

When informed of the adulthood proposal, she requested permission to examine the chair’s eligibility.

Permission was denied.

PHASE TWO: FEASIBILITY STUDY

Following the personnel review, The Ruler established five minimum requirements for adulthood.

Requirement 1: Rational Decision-Making

Personnel must demonstrate the ability to consider consequences before acting.

Results: Inconclusive.

Several individuals understood the concept of consequences but appeared to regard them as an optional feature.

Requirement 2: Personal Accountability

Personnel must accept responsibility for their decisions.

Results: Failed.

Responsibility was repeatedly transferred to circumstances, misunderstandings, other personnel, and, on one occasion, a piece of furniture.

Requirement 3: Financial Responsibility

Personnel must demonstrate reasonable control over unnecessary expenditures.

Results: Failed.

The proposed glitter budget alone rendered this requirement unrealistic.

Requirement 4: Conflict Resolution

Personnel must resolve disagreements without escalating them into investigations, elections, theatrical performances, or administrative emergencies.

Results: No qualifying examples available.

Requirement 5: Appropriate Behavior Without Supervision

Personnel must remain reasonably functional when left unattended.

Results: Testing suspended.

The Ruler determined that conducting this experiment would pose an unacceptable risk to the existing infrastructure.

PHASE THREE: PUBLIC COMMENT

In the interest of procedural fairness, The Ruler allowed personnel an opportunity to respond to the proposed adulthood requirement.

The responses were collected and reviewed.

One individual wanted to know whether snacks would still be provided.

Another submitted seventeen suggestions for improving the implementation process.

Someone requested a costume allowance.

A formal complaint was filed against the thermostat.

And a request was submitted to investigate whether the chair had been consulted.

None of these responses addressed the original proposal.

The Ruler considered this sufficient evidence.

PHASE FOUR: COST-BENEFIT ANALYSIS

The potential benefits of adulthood were identified as follows:

• Improved decision-making.

• Reduced administrative incidents.

• Greater personal responsibility.

• More predictable behavior.

• Fewer emergency meetings.

• 
  

These benefits were considered theoretically attractive.

However, the projected costs included mandatory supervision, extensive retraining, repeated disciplinary proceedings, and the possibility that everyone would become deeply unpleasant.

The Ruler also noted that imposing adulthood would require an individual qualified to enforce it. After reviewing the available personnel, no such individual could be identified.

The Ruler briefly considered assuming the responsibility herself.

She then remembered that she already had a job.

FINAL DETERMINATION

After an exhaustive investigation, multiple evaluations, and an unreasonable amount of paperwork, The Ruler reached her conclusion.

The proposal to require adulthood throughout the Kimboverse was fundamentally incompatible with current operating conditions.

The available adults were not prepared.

The administrative system was not equipped.

And the likelihood of successful implementation was approximately equal to the likelihood of the suggestion box producing a useful suggestion.

The Ruler issued the following statement:

“Someone has suggested we all act like adults.”

“After examining the available adults, we’ve decided against it.”

The proposal was officially rejected.

All personnel were instructed to resume their usual activities.

No one required additional instructions.

They had never stopped.

OFFICIAL RULING

Adulthood is not mandatory.

Maturity remains optional.

Common sense is encouraged but cannot be guaranteed.

Further proposals of this nature will be reviewed only if accompanied by documented evidence that a qualified adult actually exists within the premises.

Ruling: final.

-The Ruler

P.S. The anonymous individual who submitted the original proposal has been identified. Their judgment is now under review.