The Replacement Program | Ch. 3: The Performance Review
Updated: 2 days ago
KIMBOVERSE CHRONICLES
Volume Two: The Replacement Program
Chapter Three: The Performance Review
Featuring KimberCrim
There is nothing more dangerous than giving someone questionable judgment the authority to evaluate everyone else’s behavior. Especially when that person already considers herself an expert. Somewhere in the Kimboverse, another confidential letter had been opened. And KimberCrim was about to make human resources everyone’s problem.
KimberCrim’s Professional Evaluation
There’s something deeply satisfying about receiving official recognition for being better than other people. Not that I needed confirmation. But it’s nice when management finally catches up. My envelope arrived black with gold lettering.
CONFIDENTIAL.
Elegant. Professional. Slightly threatening. Everything I look for in workplace correspondence.
Inside was a letter.
OFFICIAL NOTICE
You have been selected for advancement consideration. Your evaluation begins immediately.Assignment: Assess the conduct, cooperation, and professional suitability of the other candidates. Document deficiencies and recommend corrective action. Do not discuss this evaluation with other candidates.
Well. Finally. Someone had recognized my natural talent for identifying other people’s problems. I assumed I was being considered for Director of Human Resources. Possibly Chief of Professional Standards. Maybe Supreme Executive of Mind Your Business. I liked the last one. It sounded powerful. And required absolutely no qualifications. Which was fortunate. I had none. But I did have opinions. And opinions are basically qualifications with confidence.
Now, before I could begin my evaluations, I received another official document. From Kimberkin. Apparently, she had appointed me Director of Questionable Decisions in something called the Cookie Cabinet. I stared at the paper.
Director.
An actual executive title.
My promotion was already happening. Clearly, the confidential letter was the formal evaluation process, and Kimberkin’s appointment was an early announcement. A little unprofessional to announce the position before the interview, but I’d address that during her performance review.
I immediately created an employee evaluation system. Five categories.
1. Professionalism
2. Cooperation
3. Respect for Authority
4. Decision-Making
5. Ability to Accept Constructive Criticism
Each category would be scored from one to five.
Five being excellent.
One being Kimberkin.
I decided to evaluate her first.
After all, she’d appointed herself Supreme Minister of Everything, distributed government positions nobody requested, and attempted to pay employees in cookies.
KIMBERKIN — PERFORMANCE REVIEW
Professionalism: 1
Cooperation: 2
Respect for Authority: 0
Decision-Making: 1
Accepts Criticism: Absolutely not.
Recommended Corrective Action: Remove access to official stationery and reduce cookie-based authority.
Next was Kimbercoon.
Now, Kimbercoon had been conducting an investigation. Into what? Nobody knew.
Including, I suspected, Kimbercoon. She’d been asking suspicious questions about promotions, cabinet appointments, and whether someone was secretly attempting to establish a shadow government. This was not productive workplace behavior.
Especially considering I was now management.
KIMBERCOON — PERFORMANCE REVIEW
Professionalism: 2
Cooperation: 1
Respect for Authority: Under investigation
Decision-Making: 2
Accepts Criticism: Would probably investigate the criticism.
Recommended Corrective Action: Mandatory trust-building exercises and confiscation of imaginary detective credentials.
Then came Kimbo.
I had concerns. Kimbo once interpreted a routine memo as permission to perform an unsolicited audition. She considered dramatic entrances a professional skill. And I suspected she’d arrive at her evaluation wearing something with feathers.
KIMBO — PERFORMANCE REVIEW
Professionalism: Depends on costume
Cooperation: Only with a spotlight
Respect for Authority: Willing to negotiate for a crown
Decision-Making: Theatrical
Accepts Criticism: Requires applause first.
Recommended Corrective Action: Limit dramatic entrances to three per workday.
Kimbopausal was next.
I wasn’t sure how to evaluate her. Her professional conduct appeared directly connected to the room temperature. Too warm, and she became a workplace hazard.
KIMBOPAUSAL — PERFORMANCE REVIEW
Professionalism: Temperature-dependent
Cooperation: Seasonal
Respect for Authority: Negotiable below 68 degrees
Decision-Making: Emotionally climate-controlled
Accepts Criticism: Proceed with caution.
Recommended Corrective Action: Provide personal fan and avoid unnecessary meetings near thermostats.
Finally, The Ruler.
This evaluation required sensitivity. The Ruler was convinced she controlled the entire Kimboverse. She issued system reports. Revoked voting privileges. Made rulings nobody was permitted to appeal. Frankly, she was everything wrong with management. Because I intended to become management.
THE RULER — PERFORMANCE REVIEW
Professionalism: 5
Cooperation: Not applicable
Respect for Authority: Recognizes only her own
Decision-Making: Final
Accepts Criticism: No available evidence.
Recommended Corrective Action: Leadership training conducted by someone with excellent survival instincts.
Preferably not me.
By this point, I had completed five detailed evaluations. I was exhausted. Not physically.
Emotionally. It’s difficult being the only competent professional in an organization. Then I remembered something. The letter said to evaluate the other candidates. Which meant I was also a candidate.
KIMBERCRIM — PERFORMANCE REVIEW
Professionalism: 5
Cooperation: 5
Respect for Authority: 5, when I’m the authority
Decision-Making: Exceptional
Accepts Criticism: No deficiencies reported.
Recommended Corrective Action: Immediate promotion with salary increase.
I admired my objectivity.
Then I prepared individual notices.
OFFICIAL PERFORMANCE REVIEW
Your professional conduct has been evaluated. Corrective action may be required. Failure to demonstrate improvement may affect advancement consideration.
I distributed them to everyone. Because accountability matters. And I wanted them to know they were being watched.
The response was immediate.
Kimberkin demanded to know why the Director of Questionable Decisions was questioning the Supreme Minister.
Kimbercoon wanted to know who had authorized the evaluations.
Kimbo asked whether her performance review could include an actual performance. Kimbopausal wanted to know if emotional damage counted as a workplace injury.
And The Ruler?
The Ruler issued a statement.
SYSTEM STATUS: UNAUTHORIZED EVALUATIONS DETECTED.
All performance assessments issued without approval are invalid. Authority to conduct reviews has not been established. Ruling: final.
Excuse me?
Invalid?
This organization had a serious management problem.
I returned to my desk and reviewed my findings. Then I noticed something peculiar. Kimbercoon had been investigating Kimberkin’s cabinet appointments. Kimberkin was issuing orders restricting unauthorized investigations.
The Ruler was rejecting my performance reviews. And I was supposed to determine which of these people deserved advancement.
Interesting.
Very interesting.
Everyone seemed to be competing for authority. Almost as though we were all being evaluated for the same promotion.
But that couldn’t be right.
Surely management wouldn’t give six people conflicting responsibilities and expect them to cooperate. That would be ridiculous. And completely unprofessional. I made a note to investigate that possibility. After my promotion. For now, I had a more urgent concern.
If The Ruler could invalidate my evaluations, she might attempt to invalidate my promotion. And if Kimberkin could appoint herself Supreme Minister, she might appoint someone else to my position.
And if Kimbercoon was investigating everyone…
Well.
Someone needed to investigate the investigator. I opened a new file.
CONFIDENTIAL PERSONNEL REPORT
SUBJECT: Kimbercoon
CONCERN: Unauthorized investigation into administrative activities
POTENTIAL CONFLICT: Possible interference with advancement evaluations
RECOMMENDED ACTION: Further observation
Then I added a second file.
SUBJECT: Kimberkin
CONCERN: Unregulated distribution of executive authority
POTENTIAL CONFLICT: Possible attempt to establish competing management
RECOMMENDED ACTION: Immediate review of all cookie-related legislation
Finally, I filed a formal complaint against The Ruler. It felt appropriate.
I was about to close my evaluation folder when something caught my attention. At the bottom of my original letter, beneath the confidentiality instructions, was a line I’d barely noticed.
Final advancement recommendations will be determined following completion of all candidate assessments.
All candidate assessments. Not mine. Not The Ruler’s. All.
I stared at those words. Someone was collecting information about every one of us. Someone wanted to know how we behaved. How we worked together. How we responded to authority.
And how we handled conflict.
I considered the possibility that this wasn’t a normal promotion. Then I dismissed it.
Because if someone was secretly evaluating everyone in the Kimboverse, surely they would have the professional courtesy to inform the Director of Questionable Decisions.
Which was me. Probably.
I closed the folder.
EVALUATION STATUS: COMPLETE
EMPLOYEE MORALE: DECLINING
MANAGEMENT COMPETENCE: QUESTIONABLE
PERSONAL PROMOTION: OVERDUE
And that concludes today’s lesson in professional behavior. Remember, if someone questions your authority, don’t argue. Document their insubordination. And if they ask who gave you authority? Tell them it’s confidential.
You’re improving already.
Elsewhere in the Kimboverse, Kimbercoon added an unauthorized performance review to her growing collection of suspicious documents. And The Ruler began examining the sudden appearance of conflicting administrative orders. Three competing claims of authority.
And somewhere, someone was receiving exactly the information they’d requested.
END OF CHAPTER THREE
Next: Chapter Four — The first cracks appear.
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