The Replacement Program | Ch. 2: The Cookie Cabinet
KIMBOVERSE CHRONICLES
Volume Two: The Replacement Program
Chapter Two: The Cookie Cabinet
Featuring Kimberkin
There are two things you should never give someone with imaginary political authority: an official-looking letter and a reason to believe they’re being promoted. Unfortunately, Kimberkin had received both.
Kimberkin’s Official Statement
Once upon a snack…
I received a letter. Not a regular letter. An important letter. It was black with gold writing and said CONFIDENTIAL. Which is government language for you’re about to become somebody.
Now, as the Supreme Minister of Emergency Cookies, I receive a lot of important correspondence. Mostly from myself. But this one was different.
OFFICIAL NOTICE
You have been selected for advancement consideration. Your evaluation begins immediately.
Assignment: Establish a leadership structure and identify individuals suitable for positions of authority. All appointments must be justified. Do not discuss this evaluation with other candidates.
I read it three times.
Then I read it to a cookie.
The cookie seemed impressed.
Obviously, I was being promoted.
Possibly to president.
Possibly to queen.
Possibly to Supreme Minister of Everything Including Snacks.
I hadn’t decided which title looked better on a business card. But there was a problem.
The letter said I needed to establish a leadership structure. With qualified individuals. And I knew exactly five individuals. Unfortunately, none of them were qualified. Still, a government cannot function without a cabinet. So I began making appointments.
First, The Ruler. She likes rules, paperwork, and telling people what they aren’t allowed to do.
Naturally, I appointed her Secretary of Unnecessary Restrictions. Her responsibilities would include saying no to things nobody had asked permission to do. I felt she’d enjoy that.
Next was KimberCrim.She specializes in advice nobody requested and behavior nobody should repeat.I appointed her Director of Questionable Decisions. A position I created specifically because someone needed to be held accountable for whatever she did next.
Then came Kimbo. Kimbo enjoys costumes, dramatic entrances, and being the center of attention.I appointed her Secretary of Public Appearances and Unscheduled Performances.Her duties would include ribbon cuttings. We didn’t have any ribbons.
But I assumed she’d bring her own.
Kimbopausal was more complicated. She had a history of thermostat disputes and emotional instability in temperatures above comfortable. I considered appointing her Secretary of Energy.
Then I realized she might interpret that as permission to control the thermostat.
Absolutely not. So I appointed her Director of Climate Complaints. No authority. Only complaints. A perfect government position.
Finally, Kimbercoon. Now, Kimbercoon was an investigator. Or at least she believed she was.
She spent a suspicious amount of time investigating things that hadn’t happened. Which made her ideal for Minister of Imaginary Threats. Her department would investigate suspicious noises, missing snacks, and anything involving unidentified furniture.
I was quite proud of my appointments. But then I remembered something. The letter said all appointments must be justified. Which meant I needed evidence. So I prepared an official document.
KIMBERKIN’S EXECUTIVE CABINET
SUPREME AUTHORITY: Me
SECRETARY OF UNNECESSARY RESTRICTIONS: The Ruler
DIRECTOR OF QUESTIONABLE DECISIONS: KimberCrim
SECRETARY OF PUBLIC APPEARANCES: Kimbo
DIRECTOR OF CLIMATE COMPLAINTS: Kimbopausal
MINISTER OF IMAGINARY THREATS: Kimbercoon
QUALIFICATIONS REQUIRED: None
SALARY: Exposure
BENEFITS: One emergency cookie per quarter
I was about to submit my report when I noticed something disturbing. My original letter said not to discuss the evaluation with other candidates. But it didn’t say anything about announcing appointments. Those are completely different government activities.
So I made copies of my cabinet assignments. One for each member. I even added an official seal. It was a chocolate chip cookie. I pressed it against the paper. The results were messy but legally convincing.
Then I distributed the notices. I expected gratitude. Possibly applause.
Definitely a parade. Instead, I received questions.
The Ruler wanted to know who had authorized my appointments.
Kimbo wanted to know whether her position came with a crown.
Kimbopausal wanted to know why she had no authority over the thermostat.
KimberCrim seemed delighted with her title, which immediately made me nervous.
And Kimbercoon?
Kimbercoon wanted to know why I was assigning government positions during an active investigation.
Investigation?
What investigation?
I hadn’t authorized an investigation.
And as Supreme Minister of Emergency Cookies, I felt I should have been informed.
Unless…
Someone else was attempting to establish a government.
A competing government.
A shadow government.
Possibly one without snacks.
This was serious. I reviewed my letter again.
You have been selected for advancement consideration. Do not discuss this evaluation with other candidates.
Other candidates?
Wait.
OTHER CANDIDATES?
I had assumed everyone else was being evaluated for positions beneath me. But what if someone else believed they were being promoted above me? What if Kimbercoon wasn’t investigating imaginary threats? What if she was investigating my administration?
Worse.
What if The Ruler was planning to revoke my voting privileges again?
I immediately issued a second official notice.
EXECUTIVE ORDER 001
All members of the Cookie Cabinet are prohibited from forming competing governments without written permission from the Supreme Minister. Unauthorized promotions will be considered suspicious. Investigations into the Supreme Minister require a warrant.
All warrants must be approved by the Supreme Minister.
I considered adding a penalty for treason. But I wasn’t entirely sure what treason meant.
So I made the penalty two cookies. That seemed reasonable. By the end of the day, I had established a cabinet, issued an executive order, and possibly prevented a government takeover. An extremely productive first day of my evaluation.
There was only one thing I still didn’t understand.
Who had sent the letter?
And why did they want me to appoint people who were supposedly competing against me?
I thought about investigating. Then I remembered Kimbercoon was already investigating something. Perhaps I could request her findings. Unless those findings were about me.
In which case, absolutely not. I made one final entry in my official government records.
EVALUATION STATUS: SUCCESSFUL
LEADERSHIP STRUCTURE: ESTABLISHED
COMPETING GOVERNMENTS: PROHIBITED
PROMOTION STATUS: AWAITING CORONATION
EMERGENCY COOKIE SUPPLY: CRITICALLY LOW
Anyway…
If I’m going to be promoted to Supreme Minister of Everything, I’m going to need a bigger biscuit tin. And possibly a throne. The folding chair is starting to feel beneath my qualifications.
Elsewhere in the Kimboverse, Kimbercoon examined her newly issued appointment as Minister of Imaginary Threats. She had been ordered to identify the least qualified individual.
And Kimberkin had conveniently provided a signed document declaring herself the supreme authority. The investigation had just acquired its first piece of evidence.
END OF CHAPTER TWO
Next: Chapter Three — Another candidate receives an assignment of their own.
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