Hot Side of Heaven 003: THE CASE OF THE CURSED TAPE

Once upon a hot flash, high above the clouds, there lived the Goddess of Patience.

She was responsible for humanity’s ability to endure long lines, slow drivers, repetitive questions, and people who insisted on explaining things nobody asked them to explain.

For centuries, she performed her duties without complaint.

Then menopause arrived.

The Celestial Incident

One afternoon, while untangling a thousand prayers that had somehow been submitted to the wrong department, the Goddess heard a mortal utter three forbidden words.

“Just calm down.”

The heavens fell silent.

An angel dropped his harp.

Somewhere, a cherub quietly submitted his resignation.

The Goddess smiled.

Not a comforting smile.

The kind of smile that meant somebody was about to learn something.

The First Curse

She reached into her celestial sewing basket, withdrew a roll of invisible thread, and whispered an ancient decree.

“May you never again find the beginning of the tape.”

And just like that, the mortal discovered that every roll of tape in his possession had become a seamless cylinder of frustration.

He scratched.

He picked.

He turned the roll toward the light.

Nothing.

The Curse Spreads

Unfortunately, the Goddess discovered that handing out minor inconveniences was remarkably therapeutic.

Soon, additional punishments appeared across Earth.

Shopping carts developed one rebellious wheel.

Fitted lids disappeared from plastic containers.

And every time someone finally got comfortable on the couch, they remembered something they’d left in another room.

The angels begged her to reconsider.

She reminded them that she was still being very patient.

The Official Menopause Myth

To this day, whenever you cannot find the end of a roll of tape, Heaven maintains that it is merely a manufacturing defect.

But those who know the legend understand the truth.

Somewhere above the clouds, the Goddess of Patience is smiling.

And somebody has just told her to relax.

Celestial Archive Status: Patience exhausted.

Hot Side of Heaven — where everyday inconveniences have divine explanations.

Hydrate darlings,

-Kimbopausaul