Hot Side of Heaven Entry 002: THE GREAT THERMOSTAT WAR

Let me tell you what they leave out of the history books.

It started with one man saying five very dangerous words:

“It’s not that hot in here.”

Now, I don’t know who this man was.

His name has been removed from the records for his own protection.

But according to legend, a woman of a certain age was standing in her own home, minding her own business, when the first wave of heat rose from somewhere around her ankles and headed north.

Within seconds, her face was on fire.

Her hair was sticking to her neck.

Her bra had become a personal attack.

So she did what any reasonable woman would do.

She lowered the thermostat.

And then…

he touched it.

I know.

Take a moment.

He walked right over and turned it back up.

That’s when the Great Thermostat War officially began.

There were negotiations.

There were blankets offered.

There was a brief discussion about whether he could simply put on a sweatshirt.

He refused.

Poor thing.

He didn’t understand that once menopause enters the house, the thermostat is no longer a shared appliance.

It is medical equipment.

By midnight, she had the air conditioner set somewhere between meat locker and penguin habitat, while he sat on the couch wrapped in three blankets questioning every decision that had brought him to this moment.

Eventually, peace was restored.

Terms were simple:

She controls the thermostat.

He controls how many blankets he uses.

And generations of menopausal women have honored that agreement ever since.

So when you hear someone say, “Don’t touch the thermostat,” understand that this is not a request.

It is tradition.

It is history.

It is the fragile treaty keeping households together.

And if you still decide to turn it up?

Well…

the archives can always use another story.

MYTH: The Great Thermostat War

CAUSE: Unauthorized thermostat adjustment

CASUALTIES: One man’s confidence

PEACE TREATY: Put on a sweater

CURRENT STATUS: Temperature remains under female jurisdiction

Hot Side of Heaven ruling:

Touch it if you want to. Heaven has room.

Amen.

-KIMBOPAUSAUL