THE CHAIR CONSPIRACY
Updated: Nov 2
Chronicles| Vol 1, Chap 6
Kimbercoon Investigation File - 003
I would like to make something perfectly clear.
I was DONE with that chair.
The investigation was closed. The ruling was issued. The chair had been buried beneath enough wigs and costumes to qualify as a storage facility.
I had moved on.
I had karaoke scheduled.
And then somebody mentioned the chair again.
Apparently, while I was minding my own business, that upholstered piece of nonsense had been making its way through the entire Kimboverse.
At first, I thought somebody was joking.
Then I heard about the cookies.
And the suggestion box.
And the unauthorized appointments.
And apparently, Kimbopausal had been arguing with a thermostat while the chair was running a committee.
Wait.
WHAT?!
THE CHAIR HAS A COMMITTEE?!
I can’t even get five people to agree on a karaoke song, and this piece of furniture is out here organizing meetings?!
Absolutely not.
We’re reopening this investigation.
THE CHAIR HAS BEEN BUSY
First, there’s Kimberkin.
Apparently, there was a cookie election.
I don’t know who approved an election involving cookies, but I would like to point out that I was not offered a ballot.
Or a cookie.
Which makes the entire election suspicious.
Then there’s KimberCrim.
She had a suggestion box.
A suggestion box that somehow resulted in unauthorized appointments.
Now, I’m not accusing KimberCrim of anything.
I’m simply saying that if you give someone with pigtails and a questionable understanding of authority a suggestion box, eventually somebody’s getting promoted without permission.
And apparently, that somebody was furniture.
Then The Ruler got involved.
There were reports.
There were rulings.
There was paperwork.
The Ruler declared that the chair had no official authority.
Excellent.
Wonderful.
THEN WHY DOES IT KEEP GETTING JOBS?!
Next, Kimbo.
Costumes.
Wigs.
Accessories.
Enough fabric to open a department store.
And where was everything being stored?
ON THE CHAIR.
Do you know what happens when you put seventeen wigs on an upholstered chair?
It stops looking like furniture and starts looking like a backup dancer for an eighties hair band.
Which brings me to my next concern.
If the chair starts performing karaoke, I am leaving.
I already have enough competition.
And THEN there’s Kimbopausal.
A thermostat.
A climate-control committee.
And an upholstered chair serving as committee headquarters.
I’m sorry.
COMMITTEE HEADQUARTERS?!
Since when does furniture get office space?
I don’t have office space!
I have a corner, a microphone, and several unresolved questions!
THE PROBLEM WITH THE CHAIR
Let’s review.
Kimberkin has cookies.
KimberCrim has rules.
The Ruler has paperwork.
Kimbo has costumes.
Kimbopausal has a thermostat that apparently enjoys threatening people.
And somehow, the same chair keeps showing up.
Now, I know what you’re thinking.
Kimbercoon, it’s just a chair.
OH, IS IT?!
Then explain why everybody keeps assigning it responsibilities!
One minute it’s holding wigs.
The next minute it’s attending committee meetings.
At this rate, by Thursday it’ll be managing payroll.
And I have questions.
Does it clock in?
Does it get lunch breaks?
DOES IT HAVE BENEFITS?!
Because if that chair has dental insurance and I don’t, we’re going to have a situation.
And another thing.
Everybody keeps saying the chair is missing.
HOW DO YOU LOSE AN ENTIRE CHAIR?!
It’s not a contact lens!
It’s upholstered!
It has LEGS!
Not that I’m suggesting it walked away.
Although at this point, I’m not ruling anything out.
AN UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT
Just when I thought this couldn’t get any more ridiculous, I received a message.
No name.
No explanation.
Just five words.
“The chair has been reassigned.”
REASSIGNED?!
TO WHAT?!
It’s a chair!
Its entire job description is SIT HERE!
I immediately demanded clarification.
A second message arrived.
“Please direct all further inquiries to the appropriate department.”
APPROPRIATE DEPARTMENT?!
WHAT DEPARTMENT?!
FURNITURE RESOURCES?!
HUMAN SEATINGS?!
THE DEPARTMENT OF SITTING DOWN?!
I tried contacting The Ruler.
No response.
I tried contacting KimberCrim.
She wanted to know whether the chair could be given detention.
I tried contacting Kimbo.
She asked whether the chair was available for a costume fitting.
Kimbopausal wanted to know if it had access to the thermostat.
And Kimberkin asked whether anybody had checked underneath it for cookies.
Honestly, that was the most reasonable suggestion I’d heard all day.
Which is concerning.
THE FINAL PIECE
Later, I discovered a small envelope.
Purple.
No return address.
Inside was a single sheet of paper.
Across the top, in large letters:
KIMBOVERSE PERSONNEL UPDATE
Under Employee Name, someone had written:
THE CHAIR
Under Current Position:
MULTIPLE
Under Assigned Department:
TO BE DETERMINED
Under Compensation:
ONE COOKIE PER MEETING
I stopped reading.
ONE COOKIE?!
PER MEETING?!
I’ve been investigating this nonsense for weeks, and nobody has offered me so much as a stale cracker!
I turned the page.
At the bottom was one final instruction.
“DO NOT INFORM KIMBERCOON.”
Excuse me?
EXCUSE ME?!
I AM KIMBERCOON!
I AM LITERALLY THE PERSON YOU DON’T INFORM!
And now I’m informing myself!
Which technically makes this an unauthorized disclosure.
I may have to investigate me.
Fantastic.
KIMBERCOON’S FINAL REPORT
CASE STATUS: Reopened.
CHAIR STATUS: Missing. Again.
OFFICIAL AUTHORITY: None.
UNOFFICIAL RESPONSIBILITIES: Apparently unlimited.
COOKIE COMPENSATION: Under investigation.
KARAOKE STATUS: Severely interrupted.
I have reviewed the situation.
I have considered the possibilities.
I have reached a conclusion.
Five chapters.
One missing chair.
An alarming amount of paperwork.
And apparently, an entire administrative system operating without adult supervision.
We are no longer investigating furniture.
WE ARE INVESTIGATING MIDDLE MANAGEMENT.
And if that chair gets promoted before I do…
I’m filing a grievance.
Possibly to the tune of “Take This Job and Shove It.”
— Kimbercoon
Neon Investigation Files
P.S. If anyone sees an upholstered chair carrying a clipboard, DO NOT PANIC.
Actually, panic a little.
Then contact me.
And whatever you do…
DO NOT GIVE IT MY KARAOKE SLOT.
END OF CHAPTER SIX
Somewhere in the Kimboverse, an ordinary upholstered chair is awaiting reassignment.
Nobody knows who submitted the paperwork.
Nobody knows where the chair has gone.
And somewhere, someone is still leaving cookies.
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