THE CHAIR FORMERLY KNOWN AS FURNITURE - Kimbercoon Investigation File 002

Chronicals | Vol 1, Prelogue

Classification: Furniture Identity Crisis

I have questions.

There is supposed to be a chair in here.

I have seen photographs.

I have spoken to witnesses.

I have reviewed the evidence.

There was a chair.

Today there is a blonde wig sitting on a red wig sitting on something sparkly sitting on something furry.

Kimbo claims the chair is underneath it.

Convenient.

I have decided not to take her word for it.

THE INVESTIGATION

My first theory was that the chair had been eaten by the costumes.

Dismissed.

No teeth.

My second theory was that the chair had entered the Witness Protection Program.

Still possible.

My third theory led me directly to our primary suspect:

“I’ll put this here for now.”

I researched this phrase.

“For now” has no measurable length of time.

It can mean ten minutes.

It can mean three weeks.

It can apparently mean until someone needs the chair.

Suspicious.

So I began removing evidence.

Wig.

Wig.

Feather boa.

Wig.

Jacket.

Wig.

Something with sequins.

One boot.

Another wig.

More sequins.

The first wig again.

I don’t know how it got back there.

I stopped touching things.

BREAK IN THE CASE

Eventually, I found approximately four inches of armrest.

THE CHAIR EXISTS.

This was a major investigative breakthrough.

And major investigative breakthroughs require appropriate documentation.

Unfortunately, I could not locate my notebook.

I did locate a microphone.

Close enough.

KARAOKE EVIDENCE

To the general tune of an unnecessarily dramatic detective song that exists only in my head:

There’s a wig on the chair,

and a wig on the wig,

and I’m starting to think

this conspiracy’s big.

There are sequins and boots

and a boa in there—

Kimbo says it’s a chair…

but I don’t see a chair.

I felt the song clearly summarized the evidence.

Kimbo disagreed.

She said, “Are you done?”

I sang the chorus again.

NEW DEVELOPMENT

I returned fifteen minutes later.

The armrest was gone.

A purple wig had appeared in its place.

We have movement.

I established surveillance.

Nothing happened for eleven minutes.

Then Kimbo walked through, changed wigs, threw the old one onto the pile and left.

Mystery solved.

Unfortunately, this created another question.

Why does she need this many wigs?

I attempted to count them.

I reached seven before realizing I had counted the same red wig at least twice.

Possibly three times.

The evidence can no longer be trusted.

THE EXPERIMENT

I needed to determine whether the chair could still perform normal chair duties.

So I attempted to sit on it.

From another room, Kimbo yelled:

“DON’T SIT THERE!”

Interesting.

I had not informed her of the experiment.

Therefore, I have concluded that Kimbo possesses some form of costume-related extrasensory perception.

There are other possible explanations.

I have rejected them because mine is better.

FINAL FINDINGS

After extensive investigation—and one extremely informative musical number—I have determined that the chair has not disappeared.

It has evolved.

It is now a Costume Holding Zone governed by three rules:

If Kimbo wore it recently, it goes on the chair.

If Kimbo might wear it soon, it goes on the chair.

If Kimbo has absolutely no intention of wearing it anytime soon—

Apparently it also goes on the chair.

I asked Kimbo if she intended to clean it off.

She said:

“Soon.”

We have already established that soon is not a recognized unit of time. It will forever be the chair formerly known as furniture

— Kimbercoon

Neon Investigation Archives

CASE STATUS: Technically solved

CHAIR STATUS: Buried

PRIMARY SUSPECT: “For now”

KARAOKE BREAKS: 1

RULING: If you can still see the floor, there’s room for another wig.

This investigation marks the begenning of the chair mystery woven throughout the Kimboverse Chronicals

READ CHAPTER 1